A Grownup Gamer’s Guide To Kids And Video Games

Posted on April 9, 2013 · Leave a Comment

kids-internetAs a tech support specialist I’m often asked about kids and video games. To a non-tech-savvy parent, the world of video games is as confusing as a foreign language. What are they playing? With whom are they playing? Are they safe online?

So I wrote this guide as both a parent and a gamer. And what I’ve learned is that you don’t need to protect your kids from video games – you need to protect them from the violent video game culture.

Are all video games violent?

No, as those of you who play Words With Friends know. Some video games are fine for kids. I would even go so far to say that some video games are good for kids, and I’m one of those annoying parents who won’t let her kids have “screen time” except on weekends.

You may be interested in Seymour Papert’s book The Connected Family which discusses how families can benefit and learn from technology in positive ways. I like the Lego series, for example, because it encourages cooperative play and problem-solving. Little Big Planet does, too. Even good old Sonic has his place – there’s nothing wrong with letting your kids run a little hedgehog around mazes collecting rings. Studies have shown that playing video games has a relaxing quality to it, producing the same sorts of brainwaves as in deep meditation.

But I’m not about to let my kids play Bioshock Infinite or Call of Duty. Just as I would recommend your kids watch Doctor Who (TV-PG) but not Game of Thrones (TV-MA) even though I watch both, I wouldn’t recommend your kids play the more violent video games out there. It’s a matter of appropriate content.

How can I find out if games my kids are playing are appropriate?

Read up on the titles they like. A web search for “(name of game) parent guide” will bring up the info you need.

You can also go by the ESRB rating on the cover. These work just like movie and television ratings. There’s a nice ESRB Ratings Guide you can use as a reference.

How do I tell my kids that I don’t want them to play a particular game?

Don’t be afraid to say no. If you’re not sure if a game is appropriate, watch them play it. You might even play it with them! Your kids may try to tell you “everybody’s playing this” but I assure you, and them, that they can find games that are just as fun to play without the gore and violence. There are some things that simply have to wait until you’re an adult, and mature-rated video games are in that category.

Can kids talk to strangers through video games?

Yes. These games often involve speaking to other players via headset (voice) or in-game chat (text). That other player could be the kid next door, or some creep halfway across the world.

So how can I let them play with friends but not with strangers?

Um… you don’t, not if they’re playing a multiplayer game across the Internet. Most throw all the players into one big electronic arena. That’s why supervision is essential; it’s like letting your kid loose in a big city without a grownup.

You can, however, run your own game by connecting multiple consoles on your own network (called a LAN party; LAN means Local Area Network). That’s much safer because you know exactly who is playing, but you physically have to get together – oh no, human interaction!

What is the “violent video game culture” you mentioned?

You’ve probably heard of rape culture thanks to the recent high-profile cases that have been making the news. There has been a backlash in the geek community over geek women and the inappropriate comments and situations we often have to face. When geek women complain over sexist remarks in professional settings, we are frequently vilified and even harassed both on the Internet and in real life. It’s a sad state of affairs and, while many people are fighting against this, it is still a very real risk.

You can find more here:

As you can see this culture of misogyny and harassment is widespread in certain violent video game circles. In short, there are people out there who get their kicks through cyberbullying and continual harassment. This is not something to which you want to expose your kids.

How can I make playing video games both fun and safe for my kids?

Encourage your kids to play in a safe, supervised environment. Why not set up a rotating Game Night or LAN party with other parents? The kids can play the games that they enjoy, and you know they’re really playing with friends and not random Internet creeps. Who knows… you might even find yourself wanting to join in!

How do I set up parental controls for video games?

All modern gaming consoles have parental control features. Here are instructions for some of the most popular consoles.

On a computer, you can use the built-in parental controls for Windows and Mac, or you can use a third-party service like Norton Online Family (works on PC, Mac, and mobile devices). Bear in mind that parental controls can be bypassed by a savvy kid. If you really want to lock down your network, you can configure your router to block games. You’ll have to look at your specific router’s instructions for that.

How can I make my kids understand the importance of video game safety?

Your kids will probably feel betrayed that you don’t want them to play certain games anymore. They don’t understand why Lego Star Wars is okay but Bioshock is not.

Explain why these changes are necessary for their protection. Visit sites like NetSmartz together. Talk about online dangers and what they can do to avoid them. Explain that you’re going to follow video game ratings just as you do TV and movie ratings. (Put the onus on the ESRB, they won’t mind.)

Meet your kids halfway. Ask to join them in their world of video games so you can see what intrigues them about it. You might be surprised to find you enjoy video games yourself. There’s nothing wrong with Mom or Dad enjoying a game night of their own.

Speaking of which, the number-one question I get about video games is:

Wait… you’re an adult and you play video games? Why would an adult want to do that?

Why do adults like any hobby? Because it’s fun and stimulates the imagination. Many of today’s games are more like novels than arcade shoot-em-ups. You’re missing some good stories by not playing video games. (I’m thinking specifically of Dragon Age and Mass Effect, if you want to know. But there are many others.)

I’ve noticed that, for adults, video games are classified as socially acceptable or not acceptable. If I mention that I play FarmVille (which I don’t, simply because it’s not my cup of tea), that is socially acceptable. If I mention that I play Tales Of Graces (a Japanese fantasy role playing game) that’s not acceptable.

Part of it is that most non-gamers aren’t familiar with the latest titles. But another part of it is that grownups playing anything beyond a select few games is apparently weird. I don’t get that, but I never stopped playing video games. I’ve been gaming continuously since the days of my Atari 2600 and I still do so today.

Do you have questions about kids and video games? Ask in the comments!

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Fake Geek Girls? You Think Women WANT This Job?

Posted on December 6, 2012 · 1 Comment

Apparently the science fiction community is being flooded – FLOODED, I TELL YOU – by fake geek girls: women with insufficient geek cred who are only pretending to be geeks for the attention.

Say what? Being a female geek is a tough job thanks to the cretins who are put out that female geeks won’t, well, put out. Do you really think it’s likely that women are going to volunteer for this?

Do you think women are lining up waiting for their big chance to struggle with an uphill career? Face sexual harassment at cons? Get stalked online? Be treated like a maidservant or a cuddlebunny or an NPC instead of a peer of equal knowledge and experience?

Women aren’t supposed to be able to fix computers or name all 79 original episodes of Star Trek. It goes against the natural order of geekdom. The genre that prides itself in being “strange and unusual” thinks it’s too strange and unusual to include women.

What’s interesting is how certain levels of female geekdom, over time, have become reluctantly tolerated. I can remember when being a female Doctor Who fan was considered weird. Today, girls are allowed to be Whovians because it’s assumed they’re only doing so to watch David Tennant’s rear. (Clearly ridiculous. We’re ALL in it to watch David Tennant’s rear. Matt Smith’s, too.)

Similarly, girls are permitted to like comic books, but only if they emit the pre-requisite cooing over Loki and dress in provocative superhero cosplay for the benefit of the men around them.

As a geek woman, I like what I like and it just so happens that most of it is geeky. I didn’t start reading Hitchhiker’s Guide so I could impress my boyfriend. I haven’t spent 20+ years in technology because Windows is soooo cute when it crashes.

The idea that women would willingly subject themselves to the misogynistic crap that comes standard with female geekdom seems unlikely at best. Somehow I can’t picture a woman secretly fine-tuning her knowledge of python or Cerebus just so she can bask in the attention. Because the attention she’s likely to get is going to be negative – “You can’t like that, it’s for GUYS!”

Most female geeks I’ve met don’t want male geeks to know the extent of their geekdom. They hide it, because once people find out you’re a female geek, you’re never good enough.

Like when a male geek finds out that you, a female geek, like something he likes. Then you get subjected to the big interrogation – Which episode did this happen in? Who guest starred in season 2? How many spaceships are in the background in such-and-such scene? You have to prove that you REALLY know your geek in order to be accepted as a geek, and even then you’re never truly accepted.

It’s the same in IT. Women in technology are constantly having to prove we know our stuff even better than the men do. Yet we still have to put up with the doubt expressed by those around us: Why are you here? What makes you think you belong?

Geekdom is the love of something you’ve found, the adoration that makes you cry out to everyone around you, “YES! This is an AWESOME THING and you must experience it!” Why is that okay for men and not for women? And why are female geeks so threatening that some feel the need to invent the idea of “fake geek girls” so that any women who claim geekdom can be readily dismissed as Not Geek Enough?

Here are some blogs from people who are talking about fake geek girl syndrome and what it represents. Food for thought.

What do you think of the fake geek girl phenomenon?

image via I Can Haz Cheezburger

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Why Is Gaming Considered Unprofessional, And What Can Gamers Do About It?

Posted on October 7, 2012 · Leave a Comment

Nerddom has achieved an unprecedented popularity of late, but there are still some aspects that remain anathema. Case in point: gamers, who are supposed to keep their video game playing in the closet.

Making the rounds is this tidbit about a Maine lawmaker who discusses her gaming in public instead of keeping it behind closed doors.

 Colleen Lachowicz is a Democratic candidate running for State Senate in Maine. She’s also a level 85 orc in the massively popular online game “World of Warcraft.” And for that, the Republican party says she is unfit for office.

[Lachowicz's response] “I think it’s weird that I’m being targeted for playing online games. Apparently I’m in good company since there are 183 million other Americans who also enjoy online games. What’s next? Will I be ostracized for playing Angry Birds or Words with Friends? If so, guilty as charged!”

Many gamers, myself included, have experienced That Look when we mention we happen to like video games. Ironically, it’s the complicated role-playing and strategy games that get the most grief. If you profess a love of Farmville or Bejeweled, you’re in the clear.

But if you like fragging enemies in Halo or strategizing your way through Mass Effect, forget it. You’re a weirdo, a loser who belongs back in your parents’ basement eating Cheetos and lamenting your lack of social skills. You can’t POSSIBLY be a rational human being with a job and a life.

BBC News, reporting on the Laschowicz incident, quotes a gaming researcher:

“In my work, I’ve spoken with many people who in their regular lives have roles of significant responsibility (as doctors, managers, or educators) but who choose carefully with whom they disclose their gaming activity,” she told the BBC. “And disclosing their gaming activity is often accompanied by a degree of apology or embarrassment.”

But, she added, having a gamer run for office was a “heartening” development. ”This would seem to run contrary to the other stereotypes that we love to assign to gamers: that they are lazy, antisocial people who don’t have a ‘real life’,” she said. “Maybe this will trigger some dialogue about our perceptions of gamers and the role that games can and should play in modern society.”

People can and do lose their jobs for being gamers – not for playing on company time but because their personal hobby supposedly shows they’re not “professional” enough. That’s when stereotyping nerds moves from simply not-funny into the realm of discrimination.

I was with a bunch of other parents at a school event recently. I didn’t know these parents well, and because I tend to live in a universe where gaming and cosplay and incessant watching of Doctor Who is considered “normal”, I sometimes forget that to other people, it isn’t.

One of the parents begins complaining about her teenage son. “He’s playing all these video games. I don’t know what to do.”

The other parents nod. I make the mistake of asking, “Which ones?”

She blinks. “What?”

“Which video games?”

“Um… some military ones. Call of Duty, I think. And some fantasy game.”

I give the wise nod of a gamer. “Skyrim, probably.”

“Huh?”

“Skyrim. It’s a very popular fantasy RPG.”

“What?”

“Role playing game. Skyrim is a popular fantasy role playing game. Not one of my personal favorites, I’m more into Dragon Age and Tales of Symphonia.”

By now the other parents are staring at me like I’ve got leprosy. The parent I’m talking to edges away. “So anyway,” she says to the other parents, “I’m trying to figure out how to get him to stop.”

I figure I’ve already put my foot in it, and it sounds like the kid needs some backup. “Video games are fun. As long as he’s meeting his responsibilities, why not let him play?”

Blank stares all around.

“Have you ever played a video game?” I ask. “A real video game, not Tetris or Scrabble. Not all of them are violent gorefests, you know. Not all of them are appropriate for every age level either, but that’s no reason to ban all games.”

The parent asks, “You actually play these games?”

“Yes. I actually play these games. They’re fun and I enjoy them. Your son probably does, too.”

Silence. The topic quickly turns to something else. I shrug and silently wish the kid luck because it sounds like he’s going to need it.

As a female gamer, I’ve noticed women are especially ridiculed for their gaming. Adults are not supposed to play video games. Women are not supposed to play video games. Middle-aged moms with kids are especially not supposed to play video games, much less brag about how they trounced the Arishok in single combat on nightmare level as an apostate mage in Dragon Age 2.

(Cone of cold, baby. I’m just sayin’.)

Honestly I think a lot of the problem is that people decide you’re supposed to give up all that childhood stuff when you become an adult. Unless you happen to live in the fandom world, which I suspect many of us do because it gives us the freedom to be kidlike about things like video games and Doctor Who and comic books.

Pure and simple, these people are jealous. They envy their fellow adults who are brave enough to embrace supposedly child-like things. It’s why people covertly read YA novels instead of admitting they like them. “I’m only reading Hunger Games because it’s so popular.” Uh-huh. Admit it, you keep a copy of A Wrinkle In Time under your pillow… and you STILL cry at the end.

What we as gamers need to do is make it known that you can be a gamer AND a professional (even – gasp! – a professional gamer). I’m a professional freelance tech writer. I’m also a level 35 spirit healer mage. Why is this a problem?

To my fellow female gamer Colleen Lachowicz I say: You go, girl. Kick some serious ass on behalf of gamers everywhere, in World of Warcraft and in the real world. We could use more of that.

 

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To My High School Classmates From The Nerd You Used To Tease

Posted on September 5, 2012 · Leave a Comment

Me, with sonic and sunflowers.

I received email recently from a former classmate requesting class news for the upcoming school alumnae newsletter. They should know better than to ask me. I’m far too likely to say something like:

Triona’s been busy with her new role as Champion of Kirkwall in the Dragon Age 2 video game. Between restless mages and the Qunari threat, there’s ever so much to do! After that it’s on to Tales Of Graces with its excellent graphics and catchy J-pop theme.

She highly recommends the new Captain Marvel comic as well as the Gambit limited series but says you can take a pass on AvX unless you’re a die-hard Marvel fan. Having finished A Song Of Ice And Fire (aka Game of Thrones) she’s excited about the latest book in Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar series.

It wouldn’t be a Triona update without mention of computers, so she suggests you install the most insecure version of Adobe Flash possible. Be sure to activate Java while you’re at it. And don’t run antivirus; nobody needs that.

She wants all of you to know that being a middle-aged nerd is WAY more fun than being a mercilessly teased nerd in high school, and hopes you have boring, boring jobs that strangle you with ennui while she has a rockin’ good time dressing up like Amy Pond for the Doctor Who premiere.

xoxoxo

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How To Make Dragon Age Inspired Hair Jewelry (Cosplay)

Posted on August 26, 2012 · Leave a Comment

(Anders-inspired jewelry. Hair by FemHawke.)

Are templars after you? Do your fellow mages keep begging you to return to the Circle of Magi before you get in even more trouble? Show your love for apostate freedom with hair jewelry inspired by Anders, my favorite possessed renegade mage. I only hope I did him Justice.

For this project I used (click on images to enlarge):

  • 1 feathered hat decoration
  • 2 hair feathers
  • 1 silver cat charm
  • 1 silver charm with gem
  • 1 pair gunmetal-and-jet earrings
  • 4 blue lightning bolt charms
  • 1 barrette
  • feathers and beads
  • sterling silver eyepins and jump rings
  • nylon cord
  • crafter’s glue

Glue feathers to the barrette.

Anders: Feathered Barrettte
(with Ser Pounce-A-Lot!)
I used a premade hat decoration with white and black feathers as a base. It already had a pin glued to it, so I glued a barrette underneath.That way I can wear it as a pin as well as in my hair. I added grey and teal feathers until I was satisfied with the look.

Add the beaded charm.

The original decoration came with a convenient bead at the top, which had a hole through it. I strung some beads on an eyepin, poked it through, and voila, the perfect spot for Ser Pounce-A-Lot. He’s got prey with him so you can see he lives up to his name. (They didn’t have any charms of cats swatting genlocks at the craft store, go figure.)

I glued the top of the eyepin in place so I don’t have to worry about it falling out. Remember, if you’re going to wear this at a con it’s probably going to take some abuse.

Attaching the former earrings to the feathers.

Justice: Feathers, Charms, And Lightning Bolts
I was looking for something that would dangle, so I decided to add a cord with feathers and a charm at the end to give it weight.

Annoying little pieces will try to get away from you.

I used premade hair feathers from the craft store and clipped off the combs on top, since they’ll be strung on a cord instead. I needed a way to hang them from the cord, so I snipped an eyepin in two, glued the pieces onto black felt, and glued those to the back of each feather. This is not as easy as it sounds, those pieces are tiny! I used tweezers and a craft stick to keep them in line.

Tip: be sure to let everything dry THOROUGHLY before going to the next step. I started trying to work with the feathers before they were dry and the eyepins started sliding around despite the glue. Once left to dry overnight it worked fine.

I found a pair of earrings I liked, removed the earring part and added a few jump rings. I also found these absolutely perfect blue lightning bolt charms! Then I attached feathers and charms to beaded eyepins made to match the ones I used for the barrette.

You need to make sure your jump rings are big enough for the cord to go through. I used 6mm open rings.

Almost done!

The Finished Product
The cord can be as long or as short as you like. I decided to make it about 12″ so it’s dangly but not in my way. Just make sure it’s long enough both to glue to the barrette and to work with while stringing the feathers. You can always make it too long and cut off what you don’t use. The piece I started with was about 14″ long and I shortened it when I put on the final charm.

This charm at the bottom gives it weight.

Tie a knot in the string where you want the feathers to dangle. Make sure it can’t slip through your jump rings! Glue the string to the back of the barrette we made earlier and let dry. It’s easier to string the feathers on the cord afterwards rather than before.

The last charm was simple. I took a silver bead, ran the cord through, strung the charm then pushed the end of the cord back through the bead. Cut off the excess cord and glue the end into the bead so it stays put.

Mage pride!

Voila! A lovely way to annoy Templars and show your support for mage rights.

Stay tuned, I’ve got matching earrings on the way. Then it’ll be Fenris’s turn.

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Bitten By The Costuming Bug – How To Become Addicted To Cosplay

Posted on August 17, 2012 · Leave a Comment

I’m not sure what happened. One minute I’m minding my own business, the next my hands are full of fabric, my mouth is full of pins, and I’m squinting over a pattern that might as well be in Klingon for all the Qapla’ I’m having with it.

(The picture shows all the tools I need to remind myself how to use my sewing machine. Been at it four hours now. The one I’m going to use next is on the left.)

I have become addicted to costuming, in this case the making of outfits for the sole purpose of cosplay. Which is not entirely new to me, but it was a casual pastime. Now it’s a raging obsession. I can’t look at anything SFF-related without thinking, “Gee, could I make that?”

The last time I was bitten by the costuming bug was in high school, when I joined the SCA. The SCA, if you’re not familiar, is the Society for Creative Anachronism, aka medieval re-enactors (as opposed to Civil War re-enactors or WWII re-enactors or all the other re-enactors, bless ‘em). Some of the people in our group were seriously good costumers, on a professional level. How I envied their embroidered ensembles, the crushed velvet, the hand-tatted lace.

If you suspect I enjoyed the Third Doctor’s outfits, you’re right. Especially that hunter green velvet jacket.

But I could never make anything that good myself. I tried a couple of basic dresses. They were horrible but I wore them anyway because I made them myself, dammit, and they were PERIOD. (If you don’t know the importance of PERIOD then you haven’t been in the SCA. And trust me, it’s hard to get there when you suck at sewing and can’t use prefabricated trim or synthetic fabric.) All of my other efforts ended in disaster. I left sewing behind, contenting myself with two PERIOD dresses and a few outfits borrowed from kind re-enactor friends.

As the years rolled by, I would occasionally get the urge to make a vest or skirt, but it quickly fell by the wayside as I reminded myself that would involve *gulp* learning to sew for real. Instead I contented myself by drooling over other people’s cosplay and idly wondering what I might do if I had such talent myself.

Strangely enough, at the same time I managed to teach myself how to crochet, embroider, and cross-stitch, all of which are apparently harder than sewing clothes. Or so other people tell me. Personally I struggle to sew a straight seam but I can fill a room with crochet doilies and afghans. (Somehow that skill has never come into play in my IT career.)

So I’m starting slow, an outfit here, a cloak there, a few screenshots to capture the right look, hours spent searching for the perfect boots.

The costuming bug brought along friends. An idle thought about hair feathers turned into full-blown jewelry making, complete with multiple runs to the craft store for a few more beads, just a few more…

It doesn’t help that my children are all for Mommy’s newfound hobbies. In fact I think my daughter secretly infected me with jewelry-making, because I figured as long as I was buying beads, I might as well buy a few for her… then later she and I are sitting there happy as larks with wire and pliers and lots of sparklies.

It’s too late for me. At this point they’ll have to pry my pretties out of my glue-sticky fingers. If you haven’t succumbed to the costuming bug yourself then run, my friend, far from all the lovely yarn and thread and fabric and notions before they beguile you, too.

For those who are already addicted… I’ll post some of my finished pieces, assuming they don’t turn out half-finished and forgotten like most of my crochet projects.
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Fangirl Movie Review: Dragon Age: Dawn Of The Seeker

Posted on June 9, 2012 · Leave a Comment

I’ve been enjoying the Dragon Age universe for the past year or so. It’s got all your basics for good fantasy: epic battles, monsters, magic. Plus, it’s ideal for girl gamers like me who want to play a female role that is actually a FEMALE role and not a guy-hero in a skirt. Geek girls FTW!

So I was in fangirl heaven when Dragon Age: Dawn Of The Seeker came out the same week as the first issue of the Star Trek/Doctor Who crossover AND the season finale of Game of Thrones. So much fandom, so little time!

Message on the Chanter’s Board: Spoiler alert!

Dragon Age: Dawn Of The Seeker is a computer-animated film that acts as a prequel to the Dragon Age 2 video game. Those who have played the series know there’s quite a lot that happens between Dragon Age: Origins + Awakening and Dragon Age 2, so it’s nice to get a feel for that as well as some background for events in DA2.

The animation was good. As I said in my review of the Star Trek/Doctor Who crossover, if there is one thing I dislike it’s bad art. Other reviewers didn’t care for the CGI but I was fine with it. Give me decent visuals and I’m likely to put up with a few trailing plotlines or bad characterizations.

Fortunately there was also decent plot and characterization. I like Cassandra much more now than I did while she was interrogating poor Varric in DA2. There, she was mostly a bully with a closed mind only our smooth-talking dwarf could open. Here she demonstrates compassion, bravery, doubt, fear, regret. Most of all she has Attitude, and there’s nothing I like better than a strong female character with Attitude. (Except a certain possessed renegade mage in my boudoir, but I digress.)

And I like Galyan, except he seemed like your stereotypical Disney prince, didn’t he? The perfect Good Mage, a healer who’s not very good at combat but cares about small animals and little girls. I wish he’d had more personality than that.

I also thought the movie was heavy on the “apostates are bad, Circle mages are good” mantra. Especially given that, if you play a mage as I usually do, there is a big difference between an apostate and a blood mage. Sure, blood mages are by necessity apostates, but my Champion of Kirkwall is an apostate spirit healer (who, yes, took out the Arishok in single combat). It would have been nice to see Cassandra and Galyan spar over whether all apostates are truly evil, during the scene where Cassandra expresses her resentment toward mages while Galyan tries to convince her otherwise.

My main criticism is that I was expecting a few cameos and we didn’t get a single one. For a series that likes cameos, this seemed odd. Such as the aforementioned possessed mage, or an ex-slave from Tevinter… more Anders and Fenris, please! I figured at least Leliana would show up. I swear, for a bard-spy-assassin, that girl stands out. (Dye your hair, dear. Men always notice red.) And what of our gallant King of Ferelden? More Alistair, too!

I also wanted to know how Cassandra went from being rather sweet if single-minded in Dawn of the Seeker to the hardass we know in DA2. Can’t just be the haircut.

A bit more integration into the existing universe would have been nice, too, although I realize that’s difficult since the plots of the games can change radically depending on how you play them. Speaking of – kudos to David Gaider on overcoming that obstacle in his novels. I can only imagine how hard it must be when you have to write in a way that is consistent for all of the multiple potential plotlines in the games. As if writing a novel isn’t hard enough by itself!

I’m enjoying the expansion of the Dragon Age universe through novels, comics, video, and DLC. Eagerly awaiting Dragon Age 3!

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An Angry Adoptee Fangirl Responds To Avengers Adoption “Joke”

Posted on May 17, 2012 · 18 Comments

Apparently I ruffled a few feathers last week. Upon seeing the Avengers movie I was moved to write a post on my 73adoptee blog, “Avengers: Why Is Making Fun Of Adoption Still A-OK?” From the post…

So there I am, forgetting my woes, laughing at the gang and drooling over Chris Hemsworth, when we get this lovely little tidbit. Thor is trying to explain to the others that Loki is his brother and his responsibility.

Black Widow points out, “He killed 80 people in 2 days.”

Thor explains, “He’s adopted.”

Cue entire theater laughing…. except for me. (And my husband, who knows better.)

I missed the next 15 minutes of the movie because I was seething. Joking about adoption isn’t funny. Joking about being adopted isn’t funny. Making fun of a late discovery adoptee is especially not funny.

The 73adoptee post went viral, generating thousands of hits in less than a week. I must have struck a nerve because people responded in droves, primarily to tell me to fuck off.

Given that’s exactly how most of them phrased it, I think there’s a demographic going on here. I’m guessing most Avengers fans are male, ages 18-25. The majority of adoptee rights activists, myself included, are female, ages 30+. Adoptees typically do not search until their twenties, thirties or even older, and it’s not until they search that they discover they are second-class citizens regarding their own rights.

What you fanboys may not have realized is that I am a fellow fangirl. I’ve loved science fiction and fantasy all my life. I’m a time-traveling, cosplaying, fantasy-writing geek girl, and I am also a comics fan. I’m such a big comics fan I close every plastic bag in sight with two small pieces of Scotch tape. I mostly make mine Marvel, but I also read some DC and a smattering of Dark Horse, IDW, and others. Comics are a regular part of my world, as adoption is a regular part of my world.

This is my rebuttal to the snarky remarkers. Let’s analyze the negative comments I’ve received since I went up against the Avengers. The comments tended to group into several categories.

“How dare you moderate comments!”
I moderate comments on all of my blogs. I’m a computer security professional and I’m not about to deluge my readers with spammy comments. That’s how we spread malware, boys and girls.

I received hundreds of comments to my first Avengers post. I approved close to 50 as of this writing. I didn’t agree with all of them, but the one thing they had in common was that they were polite. Some who disagreed asked intelligent questions. I welcome that. But if you’re going to come to one of my blogs and be a dick, I’m not approving you. There’s enough dickishness on the Internet without adding to it.

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
I challenge you to check this out: Black Images In The Comics. It’s a book about the last 100 years of black characters in comics. Go look at the early ones. Find yourself cringing much? We’re at that point with adoptees. Yes, it’s a valid comparison. We’re talking about minority groups who are ostracized, stereotyped, and discriminated against merely for being who they are.

So, yes, discrimination against adoptees is a big deal. Civil rights are a big deal. Gay marriage is a big deal. Equality is a big deal. In case you haven’t noticed, that’s typically what the Avengers fight for. And the X-Men, and Spidey, and everyone else.

Quite frankly I am ashamed at the sf fan community. I thought we were the genre that welcomes “cripples, bastards, and broken things.”

“Nobody discriminates against adoptees.”
(primarily from the non-adopted) Uh-huh. Let’s see…

And it’s not just the adoptees. Let’s talk about the widespread and deliberate coersion of mothers, then and now. Let’s talk about the Dan Rather report on the Baby Scoop Era, and Ann Fessler’s The Girls Who Went Away. Let’s talk about the current battle for father’s rights in Utah.

See any discrimination yet?

“I’m adopted and I thought it was funny.”
Again, let’s look at demographics. How old are you? How much do you know about your adoption? Have you thought about it much? Searched? Reunited? Ever had problems with your paperwork? Know the difference between an original and amended birth certificate? What are the adoptee access laws in your state and/or country?

Most adoptees don’t start truly thinking about adoption and its consequences until they’re older. I certainly didn’t start thinking about the mechanics of it until I was over the age of 25. Some statistics suggest that it’s when we start thinking about having kids that the question becomes relevant. On the other hand some people think about it their entire lives. It doesn’t matter how old you are, at some point you and adoption are going to have it out.

So if you flung back, “I’m adopted and I laughed my ass off,” return to this question when you’ve been around the ring a few times with whatever bureaucratic entities happen to be in possession of your paperwork. Trust those of us who have been there, it’ll be a humbling experience.

I would also like to suggest that this is the knee-jerk reaction of the Good Adoptee, a term coined by author, adoptee, and activist BJ Lifton. Good adoptees are not supposed to search or ask questions. When confronted by the suggestion that adoption is not all positive, they tend to react with, “I love my adopted parents! I think adoption’s great and I’m grateful I’m adopted!” To do otherwise is to threaten one’s existence in the adoptive family, sometimes literally in the case of disowned adoptees.

Maybe you really feel this way, but you won’t know for sure until you start to shrug off the conditioning. As adoptees we are used to dismissing our own feelings to achieve expectations for others. We don’t want to upset our adoptive parents by asking about our birth families. We’re afraid to rock the boat. Be sure your feelings are your own and not the ones you think you’re expected to have.

Even if you think about it and decide you honestly believe it wasn’t offensive, you have no right to tell other adoptees how they feel. And some of us found it highly offensive.

“You’re just angry. You must have had a bad adoption experience.”
Whether or not true, it’s irrelevant. See also my article about dismissing adoptee experience as anger.

“This is why the world hates adopted people.”
“No wonder your mother gave you away.”
“You’re a fucking bitch!”
etc.
Personal attacks are a great way to deflect. The suggestion that the Avengers adoption joke was discriminatory against adoptees must really have bothered you. I wonder what you’re so afraid of?

“How dare you! Avengers was the BEST superhero movie EVER!!!”
This is relevant to adoptee discrimination how? The movie was fine. The one-liner at adoptee expense was a low blow. That’s what we’re talking about. Geez, from the reaction you’d think I said, “Galactica 1980 was SO much better than the BSG remake.” I love comics as much as the rest of you but just because it has Marvel’s logo on it doesn’t make it sacrosanct.

Last, a couple of singular but amusing comments:

“Your husband’s nothing but your trained dog.”
Because he didn’t laugh when the joke was at his wife’s expense? If he’s trained, he’s obviously well-trained. I’m a lucky girl!

“Your gay.”
Is that “you’re gay,” in which case I guess you saw I unlocked Leliana’s achievement in Dragon Age: Origins? Or is it “your gay,” then which one’s mine and when should I pick him or her up? If I get to choose my gay, I want John Barrowman!

For contrast, here’s what some adoptees and others in the adoption community are saying about the Avengers adoption “joke”. If you’ve blogged about it, especially if you are an adoption community blogger, feel free to post in the comments. Others feel free to comment as well – assuming you pass my criterion of not being a dick about it.

(Image from X-Men: Legacy #221)
Filed Under: 73adoptee, fantasyworld Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Is It Possible To Read A Book Too Fast?

Posted on May 2, 2012 · 1 Comment

The problem with reading is that books go by too quickly. Or am I reading too fast?

I’ve always been a fast reader. I taught myself to read at age two, which sounds more impressive than it is. A bored toddler will do ANYTHING for entertainment, and I probably figured out that it was much more entertaining than listening to grown-ups. Come to think of it, I still feel that way…

Most of the books available to me were also for grownups. I cut my teeth on Reader’s Digest Condensed Books and had more than one steamy romance novel ripped out of my hands for reasons I would only discover later. Gradually I gained more children’s books, of the Dr. Seuss and Little Golden Books variety.

I was notorious at the local library. The juvenile books were color-coded by reading level. I zipped through yellow, blue, and red, then got special permission from the beaming librarians to access the chapter books. Later I became the only kid allowed to venture across the Sacred Threshold to the section of the library reserved for adults.

(Tips on how to ingratiate yourself to librarians: Always be super-polite, never put books away on the wrong shelves, and don’t try to sneak in snacks when they’re not looking. Asking them for recommendations will get you bonus points, but you really start unlocking the achievements when you start recommending books to them.)

My tastes gravitated from an initial childhood love of mysteries (Nancy Drew! Trixie Belden!) toward fantasy and science fiction. I think that’s when I started to speed-read. I wasn’t trying to race through the books. I kept finding series that were so addictive that I couldn’t wait to get to the next one.

It’s probably Mercedes Lackey’s fault. I was barely thirteen, and what was the first book I encountered in the fantasy genre? A novel about a brown-haired teenage girl who is ostracized by her family, loves to read, and bonds to a magical white not-horse with a flowing silver mane that spirits her away to a new life. Oh, like I was ever going to be able to resist THAT. Especially since the second fantasy series I read was Pern…

In high school I read a novel a day. Time wasn’t a problem given my absolute lack of social life. I got busted by a substitute science teacher once. He made me hand over the book, took one look at it and said, “I can’t punish a student for reading Isaac Asimov in physics class.” Thank you, Foundation’s Edge!

But, looking back, I have to wonder if I was reading too fast. Sometimes I missed things that I picked up on later, which worked fine for Valdemar and Pern since I read the covers off both series. Books I only read once, I probably missed the nuances.

This came to mind recently as I finished reading George R. R. Martin’s A Song Of Ice And Fire (aka Game Of Thrones). It was the first fantasy series I picked up during my sabbatical and I figured I should check it out, given what a HUGE Beauty and the Beast fan I remain to this day (except for season 3 thankyouverymuch).

GRRM is not easy reading. It’s not necessarily even pleasant reading. I had to take my time, puzzle things out, try to remember which characters were allied with whom at any particular moment. Part of that is GRRM, because Westeros is an incredibly expansive and detailed universe. Part of it is lack of familiarity. I’m older, with more distractions, and I find that I miss too much if I read unfamiliar things fast.

Other things I still devour. At the moment I’m reading Lackey’s Five Hundred Kingdoms for the first time, and sprinting through it. But then, that’s Mercedes Lackey. She’s one of my favorite authors and I am used to her style. It’s the same with Pern even though Todd McCaffrey is now writing it. I know the universe, I’m comfortable in it. I can read quickly and still get the most out of the book, especially knowing I will be rereading it along with the rest of its siblings in the series.

Do you find you read faster or slower depending on what you’re reading? Do you consume your favorite series like candy or do you savor them slowly? Share in the comments!

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Life During Fandom

Posted on March 16, 2012 · Leave a Comment

I swear, I was only thinking about my geeky plans for the weekend. Then one line of this popped into my head and I had to do the whole thing.

And I’m sorry. I’m really very, very sorry.

Life During Fandom

(with apologies to Talking Heads and the rest of the universe)

Heard of a con that is loaded with guest stars
Pack up your dice and let’s go
Heard of a bookstore out by the highway,
A place the muggles don’t know
The sound of Stargates off in the distance,
I’ve got a D.H.D. now
Lived in a TARDIS, lived on Darkover,
I’ve lived all over Known Space

This ain’t no starship, this ain’t no dungeon,
this ain’t no fooling around
No time for Tolkien or timey-wimey
I ain’t got time for that now

Transmit the virus to the invaders
Hope they will blow up someday
I got three novels, a couple short stories
But they’re all fanfic for now
On my friend’s TV Trek II is starting
everyone’s ready to KHAAAAN!
I filk in the daytime, I slide in the nightime,
I might not ever get home

This ain’t no starship, this ain’t no dungeon,
this ain’t no fooling around
This ain’t no Watchmen or InuYasha,
I ain’t got time for that now

Heard about Warcraft? Heard of Avengers?
Heard about Trek on Blu-Ray?
You ought to know not to stand by the airlock
somebody throw you out there
I got some Buffy, some Game of Thrones here
to last a couple of days
but I ain’t got no comics, ain’t got no manga,
ain’t got no Skyrim to play

Why be a mundane? God, that’d be boring!
Gonna read Hunger Games now
Can’t roll for damage, can’t find my phaser
I ain’t got time for that now

Trouble with nanites, we got you covered
We like our John Williams loud
We got computers, we’re checking Twitter
We’re all on Pinterest now
We dress like Cylons, we dress like browncoats,
or in a fez and bow tie
I’ve changed my cosplay so many times now
I don’t know what I look like

You kill that ogre, I’ll get the darkspawn
We make a pretty good team
Don’t get exhausted, you’re out of hit points
You ought to get you some CON

Burned all my Twilight. What good is Twilight?
I’d rather slit my own throat.
My books are breaking all of my bookshelves
Ooh, look! New reprint of Dune!

 

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